http://tinyurl.com/5brgbz
What's stranger than the Virgin Mary on a Piece of Toast? Check out this auction, for 300 year old clothing with black polyester lace trim!!
Well, I couldn't let this gem go without giving it a better description. I mean, doesn't such a rare and priceless artifact deserve better? I couldn't do anything about the upside down pictures, or the scabby beige shag carpet, but here goes my efforts at a better, more descriptive write up:
""My grandmother, on her death bed, weakly yet urgently insisted that I leave the hospital and go to her house ,and look inside an old trunk that no one in the family was ever permitted to do so. Grandmere claimed the trunk to be possessed by a sad spirit.
Inside that trunk I found , wrapped in tattered old wool that looked like a Revolutionary War Militia Issue blanket, these surprisingly well preserved pieces of clothing that our ancestor actually wore on the ship from Africa over 300 years ago.
How were these items preserved so well? Did she perhaps travel in the Captain's cabin, trading her embraces for the right to keep her only scraps of possessions? What were the mysterious stains? Grandmere didn't know, she just shivered weakly with a frisson of terror when I questioned.
"Please, Sallymae, never, ever question your ancestry.Just know that she was a Voodoo Queen.....you come from MAGIc, Cher . That woman never aged, she stayed raven haired and smooth skinned all her evil days."
She held up her hand, did my grandmere, and touched four fingers and her thumb explaining gingerly that the clothing was cursed by the sweat , tears, and blood of her mothers' mothers' mothers' grandmeres!!!
I took a deep breath as a tear trickled down her face I began crying and just touching the garments began to make me shiver. I could smell the blood and hear the beating of rooster wings, I could feel the hot flames of the sacrificial fires scorching my face . But strangely the clothing stayed cool, cold even, like the dark sinister heart of a Spell Weaving Temptress.
I took the clothing home with me to ponder on, but my cat Merde hissed and spat at it . I dared
not offend Merde, as his vengeance is lengendary.
So, I took the clothing in a Piggly Wiggly paper sack to our local branch of the Smithsonian Institute , (La Robes du Scam) and they discussed with our family their desire to display the clothing, but in the interim we discovered that we could possibly make the money to have the Voodoo Curse of Ages reversed, according to our famous local Voodoo Maven, Marie Mabel Mary Margaret Lavogue.
Thus, we have decided to place the clothing on ebay to beg of you to help us lift this curse. We promise to donate 50 % of the proceeds to the campaign of our Grandpere, John McCain , who so valiantly won't use his biracial ancestry just to procure votes .
Please note that the other notorious voodoo queen, Hilary Clinton, refused to participate in our quest to banish this evil dark presence. She said she was "too busy dodging Sniper Fire"
Happy Bidding. "
Coming to a Movie Theater near you, staring Sayesha Mercado and Harvey Kietel.
My favorite Etsy picks for items-most-likely-to-be-worn-by--a- 300-year-old-slave-even-thought-they-might -contain-polyester-and-nylon are above, feel free to click away !
1 comment:
hilarious!! and darn it, i was almost ready to start my bidding on those slave clothes...
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